Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I'm Greedy

I have 8 happy healthy smiling children, yet its not enough. I see my baby, hes learning how to go places, hes rolling over and pushing himself up.  He has beautiful blue eyes, a first for us.  He has the huge dimples in giant chipmunk cheeks.  When he smiles it looks as if hes about to burst.  But every once in a while I look at him and wonder about the baby I lost.  Was it a girl or boy?  What would they have been like?  Ds  has had so many firsts that even us experienced parents are surprised about.  What firsts would the other baby have had?  Would s/he had have fire red hair?  Or Green eyes?   I could never give up ds to find out what it would have been like.  No, I want them both.  And no, twins would not have solved the problem, then I would just want all 3.  No, I am greedy and I wanted both babies.  I will always miss that baby.  I will always wonder.  And I don't think a day will go by that I will not be greedy and want that baby.  To hold them, to kiss them, to see what they would be like.  I'm greedy and I know it.  I am a mom and that was my baby.  And I don't have that baby anymore and I wish oh I wish I had them back.  I'm greedy but I am also grateful.  So grateful for the children I do have.  I praise the Lord each day for them, so thankful I get the privilege of raising them.  But I am sorry Lord, I am greedy. 

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