Rules I never thought to tell them

Stolen from Life in a Shoe, who I think stole them from someone else. Kids do things all the time that leave you scratching your head and wondering what side of the family THAT came from.  I am pretty sure my kids aren't unique in some of these.  I would love to hear from you if your kids have done some of these, make me feel better.  Surely I am not the only one who has to deal with this! 

Here are the rules I never thought to tell them:

When playing in the desert do not stick body parts into animal holes. This includes your arms, legs, head and butt.  While we are at it no spitting in them, no peeing in them, and no throwing sticks and/or stones in them. 

We do not sit at the table and play with our penis.  You have to go to your room to do that. 

You are not allowed to stick your finger into the electric pencil sharpener.  Or your nose.  Or your tongue. 

You have to wash your hands for dinner, even if logically you are using utensils and not your hands to eat. 

You still have to wash your hands after you went pee even if you didn't use your hands.  Its a neat trick but there are still germs all over the bathroom. 

You are not allowed to jump off the table. Or the Sofa. Or the top bunk.

No, you can not use Glass bottles to play bowling with.  I don't care if they do make a neat noise when you knock them down. 

It might be worth a good laugh but you can not sit on a stool naked while you have your head stuck in the peanut butter jar.  Only crazy people do stuff like that. 

Before you say, "Look what I can do!" You might want to consider if it will gross me out, get you into trouble or cause yourself bodily harm.  If yes to any of those, don't bother saying, Look what I can do.  Just don't do it altogether. 

No, you can not break your hand so you can do the neat trick your friend can do with his fingers. 

Don't pee in a cup and offer it to your brother, or anyone else as lemonaid.  In fact don't pee in cups period.  I don't care how many times momma has had to do it, you are not pregnant. 

Crackers do not go in cracks, whether they are butts, walls or other.  They go in your mouth and thats it. 

Beads, screws, and ear rings do not go in your nose or ears or any other orifice.  And no we can't see the jar the dr has with all his ear and nose things.  Its gross, don't even ask. 

You are not allowed to pee outside.  Or in your play pots and pans.  Can't you use the toilet like everyone else?

Cars and blocks do not go in the VCR. And Money does not go in the cd player. 

Don't eat the food that fell on the van bench 3 days ago.  I am sure it will make you sick, even if it hasn't before. 

I am sure there are many others.  I think I am blocking them out, too traumatic to recall all these incidences at one time.  What have you had to tell your kids, that a parent just shouldn't have to tell their kids?