Friday, February 26, 2010

Hysterics

From Wiki, Female Hysteria's symptoms are described as:
Women considered to be suffering from it exhibited a wide array of symptoms including faintness, nervousness, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and "a tendency to cause trouble".
I have solved the problem.  I know what caused it.  I will bet good money it was caused by having sons.  Especially the Faintness, Nervousness, Irritability and Insomnia part.  Shortness of breath definitely, running around after all those hoodlums blessings.  Yup, it was all caused by having sons. I can prove it.  I have sons and I have Female Hysteria.  Oh yea, let me list the symptoms for you.

Faintness - When I discovered white flecks around my toddlers mouth, I at first wondered what he had eaten that had frosting on it.  I quickly went through the list of foods in the house in my head.  Maybe it was those frosted oatmeal bars or some of that Strussel my mom had brought over?  Nope, he answered the question for me as he toddled over to the window sill and started chewing away.  It was paint.  My son was eating paint.  Good thing its lead free.  I later found it in his diaper too, if there was any doubt that he was actually digesting it.  The Dh calls the toddler our paste eater, he'll eat everything.  I have to keep the bathroom doors shut at all times.  I'll let your imagination do the work there.

Nervousness -Usually this occurs when we are at the park but can happen in the home too.  Typically when one of the males decides to stand on something very high.  Like the top of the rock climbing wall at the park, where there is no where to go but down.  Who designed those things anyway? Did they not think that very scenario would happen?  Do they not have children of their own? 

Insomnia -I get this when the boys have friends over for the night.  Or when they took a nap at 4 in the afternoon.  Sometimes when they get a bug in their drawers and refuse to fall asleep. Rarely, but it still happens, when they are so bad I lay awake at night thinking, "Where did I go wrong?"

Shortness of Breath - You can imagine this.  I am sitting in my rocker nursing the baby and I hear my 5 yr old up stairs calling me oh so sweetly, "MOMMA.  MOMMA.  WHERE ARE YOU?!  ARGH."  So I run up the stairs carrying the baby still nursing and ask him what the problem is.  He tells me, "The keyboard won't work.  I can't get to Zoo Tycoon."  Ugh.  That couldn't have waited?  Repeat 5 times in 30 min with various boys.  And I wonder why I have varicose veins. 

Irritability - Does this need to be explained?  Who wouldn't be irritated when you have a boy swear up and down he showered, but he looks like he stuck his head in a Vaseline jar he is so shiny.  Or when your son kicks a path in the rocks in your front yard for a "river".  Or when your 2 yr old slides across the floor of costco, come ups all black, then smears snot across his face.

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